Worst Movies I’ve Never Seen Vol.1

I think it would be pretty cool to review movies for a living.  Problem is there are other things that I also really like to do like drink beer, read tweets and watch reruns of Criminal Minds.  So, as you can see, I don’t really have enough time to follow that dream.  Or do I?  I’m not going to let something as inconsequential as seeing the film get in my way.  I was born to review movies and damnit that’s what I’m going to do.    

Today’s Theme: Worst Movies I’ve Never Seen

Wicker Man – 2006

Plot Synopsis: “Be careful what you search for…”  In this movie Nicolas Cage plays Philip Baskets, an engineer working in mission control from Kennedy Space Station in Florida in 1973.  While he is supposed to be observing the Skylab space station, he lets his curiosity take over and decides to search for life forms in deep space.  He notices an alien ship shaped as a giant man headed towards earth.  As the ship makes its approach to the ground it becomes apparent that the UFO is constructed entirely of wicker intricately woven to resemble the human race.  Philip is Earth’s only chance at survival and leads the Wicker Man on an elaborate foot chase through the Everglades. 

Ricki’s Take: Yikes. A huge swing and a miss with this one right here.  While I would like to applaud the director, I wanna say M. Night Shyamalan, for trying to put a spin on the alien invasion genre this turned out to be pure garbage.  First of all, a Wicker Space Ship?  Ummmm Hello!   That would burn up on entry to the Earth’s atmosphere.  Then we have the horrendous miscast of the legend Nic Cage. I need my cage to be a fucking lunatic.  I need Castor Troy or Cameron Poe or Benjamin Franklin Gates.  Philip Baskets?  GTFOH. Aerospace engineer?  Nice Try.  Only points I give this movie is for the dope ass Wicker Man construction. I want one for my patio. 

Leatherheads – 2008

Plot Synopsis: “In the beginning the rules were simple.  There weren’t any.”  This movie tells the remarkable true story of domestic partners Wilson Lea(Clooney) and Thomas Herheads(Krasinski) who attempt to think outside of the box to win a championship in the blossoming sport of football.  While throwing lavish social gathering, Lea and Herheads accidentally discover that their beloved bulldog Estelle(voiced by Zellweger) might have a knack for football as she frantically avoids captors after stealing a Cornish game hen from the from atop the dinner table.  Estelle urges her owners to allow her to play football because there are no rules against it.  Lea and Herheads begrudgingly agree but they were joining the team as well.  After extensive training in the mud, the movie ends as Estelle triumphantly takes the field and scampers for a touchdown to win their first game. 

Ricki’s Take: This movie is an absolute disgrace to the art of storytelling.  The writer, probably Christopher Columbus, and studio, almost certainly Dreamworks, should be ashamed to have let this ever see the light of day.  And that has nothing to do with the performances or technical aspects of the movie which were actually spectacular.  The problem here is that you cannot tell the full story of Estelle, Lea and Herheads and end in that moment of triumph.  The week after their victory, Estelle was taking a handoff out of the I-formation and was supposed to bounce the ball outside.  Instead she tried to run up the A-Gap but since she was so short the pull guard did not see her and gruesomely crushed her.  Lea and Herheads couldn’t cope and broke up and eventually perished in a grizzly murder suicide.  Excuse me if I don’t appreciate this bubble gum, rainbows and sunshine version of popcorn bull shit.  I am embarrassed for everyone involved.

Gulliver’s Travels-2010

Plot Synopsis: A renowned miniature model creator Cameron Gulliver is afflicted with a narcissistic personality disorder.  He has alienated his peers and loved ones and begins to have visions of the world crumbling around him.  He becomes reclusive and builds an expansive landscape to indulge his vanity.  As his delusion engulfs him, we descend into an existential wasteland where we are forced to confront the miniscule relevancy of our life on a grander scale.

Ricki’s Take: Well, that was fucking dark.  Are you serious?  If Jack Black is going to be the lead in your flick, I’m going to need a bare minimum of 10 fart jokes.  This had 0.  There weren’t any spells to make a woman struggling with her weight look thinner and it didn’t feature a single karate fighting panda.  No masked wrestlers, video games come to life or monsters from RL Stine.  Not one single guitar got shredded.  What are we doing here?

Take Me Home Tonight – 2011

Plot Synopsis: Remember that song “Take Me Home Tonight” by Eddie Money?

Ricki’s Take: That was a pretty good song.

Old Dogs – 2009

Plot Synopsis: A powerhouse cast of Travolta, Williams and Green tell the heroic tale of a truly modern family.  Robin(Williams),a no nonsense Men’s Warehouse greeter, and John(Travolta), a fun loving bowling alley owner, have beaten the odds, gotten past their glaring differences and become happily married.  They are going through the process of adopting a son when there was a mix up at the post office.  The adoption paperwork is accidentally sent to an animal refuge and all of a sudden John and Robin find themselves as the parents of 350 lb Silverback gorilla named Tanya.  Tanya is having a hard time adjusting to family life so they decide to get her an emotional support dog but wouldn’t you know it, there was another mix up at the post office and a few days later Seth(Green), a Dutch exchange student that speaks no English shows up confused.  Tanya makes Seth her sex toy.

Ricki’s Take: OK, ya got me.  This was delightful.