Goddamn I miss being a kid. Not like a teenager and not like a 5-year-old but somewhere in that sweet spot of 7 to 9. When you are 5, you’re still too young to appreciate everything that’s going on around you and once you hit 11 or 12 some of your innocence is lost. The 7-9 range is pure. Innocent. You’re too young for real world worries and all you care about is messing around, getting into trouble and having fun. The feelings of joy you experience are unadulterated and unmatched at any other stage in your life. It is the coolest you will ever be in your life because the tiniest nuanced events leave you with a high that you will chase for the rest of your life. Here are the ten best things we did as kids that made us feel like the baddest motherfuckers on earth.
10. Tricking babysitter into letting you stay up late.
Mom and dad not home. Bed time? Good luck. Mom always lets us stay up until 10. I also get to have THREE Oreos and chocolate milk after I brush my teeth. You don’t think I’m allowed to do that? This is my house; I think I know what the rules are.
9. Getting a Lunchable for lunch.
What’d your mom pack you for lunch? A PB&J and Smartfood? Hot dog and a Kudos? Left over grilled chicken from last night? What did I get for lunch? A MUTHA FUCKIN LUNCHABLE. Oh man. You pull out that Lunchable in 3rd grade and all of a sudden you’re King big dick. Guys wanted to be you, Girls wanted to be with you. We’re talkin MYO Pizza with pepperoni, a Crunch bar AND a Capri Sun? Elite feeling.
8. Fighting with a sibling
This would be higher but not everyone has siblings. And it’s a shame because getting into a full blown Donnybrook with your brother or sister is a rush like none other. If you’re at school and you get in the slightest of altercations with another student its always an immediate suspension. Its like throwing a punch on the Real World. Zero tolerance, you’re outta here bud. Meanwhile, if the other person is your brother or sister, all rules are out the window and is an acceptable form of conflict resolution. Fight ends and you are immediately best friends again.
7. Putting a $10 bill in the quarter dispenser at the arcade
This is it. This is the main event. You got a $10 from Grandma for a decent report card at the end of the school year and it’s been burning a hole in your pocket the whole summer. You could have bought some gummy worms at the candy store or a stupid toy that you would have played with twice and then forgot about. But no. You saw the big picture. You had the vision. Today your family is going to the arcade and you’re about to Scrooge McDuck in everyone’s face.
6. Watching an R rated movie at a sleepover
For me, it was Demolition Man and it was the greatest night of my life. 9 years old and my friend took the VHS from his dad. Did I get a glance of a boob? Sure did. Did I learn about 10 new uses of the word “fuck” from Wesley Snipes, Silvester Stallone and Dennis Leary? Duh. Is it still one of my favorite movies until this day because of that night? You bet you ass it is.
5. Going for a third slice at the pizza party
Attending a pizza party is a top feeling unto itself. You’ve got an 8 oz paper cup and a table full of 2 liters that you are about to bring to its knees. Every plate at the table already has a slice on it when you walk into the room. Everyone flies through that slice and about half the kids grab a second. As you finish that piece you realize that you might be able to do one more. You stand up all eyes are on you. Surely he’s not going for a THIRD SLICE. I sure am Poindexter.
4. Mixing sodas at the soda machine
Every so often as a kid you get to dine in at the fast-food restaurant instead of hitting the drive thru and finishing your food before you get home. You order the food and there is about 2 minutes to spare before your order is ready. I know what I’ll be doing to fill the time. I will be taking my empty cup and seeing how many different sodas I can mix in from the fountain machine. No matter how terrible the Nestle Iced Tea, Orange Slice and Blue Powerade actually tasted, it was the best drink you’ve ever tasted.
3. Telling someone they aren’t invited to your birthday party
Some kid being a prick? Didn’t pass the basketball when you were wide open? Took your seat at lunch? You’re not invited to my birthday day. Simple. Devastating. Powerful. Exhilarating.
2. Cursing
Remember when you discovered curse words? Then for like a few years you knew about them but never dared to utter them. Then you realized they were just words and you wouldn’t explode or disappear if you said them. You started off experimenting with “hell” or “ass.” Then you called Eric a bitch or told Sean you’d be right back cause you had to take a shit. One day, with out even realizing what was happening, you fell off your bike or got caught in tag and as if something took over your soul you burst out with “FUCK”. You will never be the same and it fucking felt great.
1.Pretending to smoke
Pretzel stick. String cheese. Cold air. It didn’t matter what it was, if you were pretending to smoke it was the coolest you have ever felt in your life. Hands down. You knew you shouldn’t smoke but there is nothing on this earth that looks as cool as smoking. And you could look like you were smoking without actually smoking? Are you serious?!?! Sorry y’all, it’s all downhill from here.