When it comes to the modern-day coaching tree, two names are synonymous; Bill Parcels, Bill Walsh (Marty Schottenheimer as well, but never making a Superbowl gets you DQ’d here). The legacy these men have left is indisputable.
Out of 54 SuperBowls played, 15 can be traced directly back to Bill Walsh (Walsh 3, Seifert 2, Shannahan 2, Holmgren, Gruden, Billick, Harbaugh, McCarthy, Carroll, Kubiak, Reid) and 11 traced to Parcells (Belichick 6, Parcells 2, Coughlin 2, Payton). 48% of all Superbowl Coaches have descended from these 2 men. You might say it’s a futile exercise to argue that these legends are undeserving of their seat atop the coaching tree mantle, but what if I told you there is a 3rd man that should not only garner consideration for the throne but very well may have a rightful claim to the title.
Let’s set the scene for a minute. It is 2004 and the dawn of the TV revolution is upon us. Masterpieces like The Sopranos, The Wire and Curb Your Enthusiasm have taken Premium cable by storm. Arrested Development, American Idol, 24 and the West Wing are breaking boundaries for network Primetime programming. Meanwhile over on cable things weren’t looking too good. Carson Daly has left TRL and we are still 5 years away from Jersey Shore. Dave Chappelle has quit production on season three of Chappelle Show and is taking a step back from the limelight. Andy Cohen was but a twinkle in Bravo’s eyes as they were just beginning to plan production on the Real Housewives franchise. Ever the opportunist, Flavor Flav, surveys the cable landscape and says “Hold my chalice”. And thus, began the most dominant TV programing takeover this world has ever seen.
Seeds of a Dynasty: What time is it? Flav O’clock
Surreal Life 2004
This is where it all began. The first 2 seasons of the Surreal Life were fine. You’d have a Cory Feldman meltdown here, a Vanilla Ice vs. Ron Jeremy fight there, but nothing to write home about. Enter Season 3 and in the premiere episode we get this:
Flav and Brigitte Nielson kicked the door down and slapped their nuts on the table. What in the actual fuck was going on? 6’10” Nielson and 5’2” Flav begin a whirlwind romance that would rock us to our very core. It was hard to look at but yet you could not look away. It was sweet and offensive, loving and disgusting, nauseating but yet it felt safe. We needed more and thankfully VH1 agreed.
Strange Love 2005
Flav’s first spinoff wasn’t nearly fun loving as his time on the Surreal Life. Brigitte and Flav were at each other’s throats most of the show and it felt meaner spirited than their once playful banter. In the end Brigitte broke Flav’s heart when she decided to break off the romance and move back to Italy to live with her other boyfriend. It was tough to see your boy Flav in such a vulnerable place and if there was one thing to take away from this experiment it was this: Flavor Flav needs to find love.
Grabbing the Crown: The Flav-a-sance
Flavor of Love 2006-2008 – Three Seasons
There were reality dating shows already in 2006. The Bachelor had been around for a few years, Temptation Island grossed us out in 2001 and there had even been twists on the concept like Joe Millionaire or Beauty and the Geek. What Flavor of Love had going for it was a batshit crazy charismatic host and 20 unapologetically batshit crazy contestants.
Flav punched up the date show format like only he could. Instead of calling the women by their names, he gave them nicknames that he makes up on the spot. Why you ask?
Visionary. Names that he just spouted out when he saw the girls: Hottie, Smilely, Dimples, Miss Latin. Names of things that just happened to catch his eye elsewhere: Rain, Shellz, Hoopz, Goldie. Then he just got hungry for a bit: Apples, Peaches, Cherry, Red Oyster, Pumpkin. The season 1 winner was Hoopz and it turns out Flav had a good eye because about 5 years later she was engaged to Shaquille O’neal.
Even though Hoopz won the Season, everyone knew the star was Tiffany Pollard aka New York. She would do anything for Flav and no bitch would stand in her way. New York physically fought, verbally abused and conived her way to the final two and unfortunately for her Flav needed a softer touch in his world at this point. New York’s time had come to an abrupt end.
Apparently Hoopz and Flav weren’t meant to be because 4 months later Season 2 starts off with a classy as ever naming ceremony. Things seem to be off to a more cordial start of drunken tomfoolery and overt sexuality. But then…. BOMBSHELL.
“BY GAWD, THAT’S NEW YORK’S MUSIC!!”
That’s right, the queen bitch was back to take what was rightfully hers. It was another historical performance by all involved. There was fighting and frenching, friendship and foundling and the most colorful and creative use of the English language to ever hit the airways. The finale pit Deelishis up against New York in an all time television moment. Please enjoy.
So in the end Deelishis received the golden grill from Flav and New York is left heartbroken again.
Do you see what’s happening yet? The groundwork is being laid down and they are laying it down thick. These ladies are crazy and now New York needs love. We’ll get to that shortly.
Flav took a step back from the spotlight and you’ll see why in a second. Season 3 doesn’t come out until 2008. Lots of shenanigans and drama between the contestants. In the finale, Flav chooses Thing 2 and Myamee to be the finalists at the reunion show where he will make his decision. Live in front of a studio audience tells both women that he cant be with either of them and proposes to the mother of his youngest child.
In many ways this was the perfect end to the Flavor of Love Trilogy. We started with a man looking for love and fade to black with the lasting image above. This is not however the end of Flav’s reign. His influence will be felt long after he steps away from the game.
A Lasting Legacy: Time to pass the Clock
I Love New York 2007
The first branch to sprout off of this blossoming sequoia came from the HBIC herself New York and, boy oh boy, were we off to the races. If you thought the women after Flav had a few screws loose imagine injecting a cargo freight worth of testosterone and liquor into the cocktail. The nicknames doled out by New York had a bit more thought involved and opened a window for the viewer as to who these suitors truly were. We had characters such as White Boy, 12 Pack, Pootie, Wood and who could forget Mr. Boston. Then we were introduced to the brothers, Real and Chance, who rereferred to themselves as the Stallionaires.
They were brothers but they sure were different. Real was quiet, thoughtful, subdued and just felt Real. Chance was fiery, confrontational and passionate and New York thought he just might have a Chance. And wouldn’t you know it… New York fell for both of them. But alas at the finale, Tango was chosen over the brothers, once again leaving the fan favorites wondering if they will ever find their Mrs. Right. This show was such a phenomonon that the reunion special garnered more than 5 million veiwers and is thought to be the most explosive reunion show to ever air.
Flavor of Love Girls Charm School 2007
Less than a week after I Love New York finished production, VH1 unloaded an artilary of antibactirial spray and bleech to repurpose the love mansion for Flavor of Love Girls: Charm School. If you didn’t not pick up to the phone to personally call the Smithsonian after bearing witness to this tsunami of class and sophistication, there is a case to be made that you do not have a soul.
Mo’Nique took the charge as the host and shouldered the heavy burden of teaching with women Flav had tossed aside how to act right in order to get a man. Here are her Ten Commandments:
- Check Thyself Before Thou Wreck Thyself
- Thou Shalt Goeth, Girl
- Thou Shalt Show Some Class
- Thou Shalt Work What Thou Art Working With
- Thou Shalt Spit Mad Game With Style
- Thou Shalt Mind Thy Money
- Thou Shalt Payeth It Back
- Thou Shalt Represent
- Unless Thou Can Play, Thou Wilt Be Played
- Thou Shalt Be Fully Fabulous
This show itself proceeded multiple spin off’s but since the next season in line featured a cast entirely from Rock of Love so we unfortunately cannot credit the future incarnations to the Flav Coaching tree.
I Love New York Season 2 2007
Season 2 was yet another tour de force of entertainment. This was the point where it was clear that we were nearing the bottom of the barrell for nicknames. We had an upgrade from season 1’s 12 Pack to 20 pack, Ears, Man Man, Midget Mac, It and Pretty. Two notable contestants from this season were Punk and Milliown.
Punk aka David Otunga is a 2 time WWE Tag Team champion and has worked with the company for 21 years. He was also married to Jennifer Hudson for 9 years before their divorce in 2017.
Milliown aka Jamal Trulove was framed by the San Francisco police for murder two weeks after the show wrapped in 2007 and was convicted in 2010. He appealled in 2014 and was formally aquitted in 2015. In 2018 the 2 officers accused of setting him up were found guilty of fabricating evidence and Trulove came to a settlement of $13.1 million with the city.
I Love Money Season 1-2 2008-09
What do you do when you have a group of women so unabashedly starving for fame that they will date 50 year old rapper and a group of men so certifiably bananas that they would subject themselves to the relentless scrutany of reality star no one knew a year ago? PUT THEM IN THE SAME HOUSE AND DANGLE $250k INFRONT OF THEIR FACES. Genius.
In I Love Money, VH1 took the All-Stars from Flavor of Love, I Love New York and Rock of Love, sent them Mexico, filled them with booze and made them do challenges the likes of which have only been spotted on Japanese game shows. Picture MTV’s the Challenge but with the people that didn’t make it past day one of auditions because the lawyers said they are too much of a liability. Frank the Entertainer from I Love New York shined in the role of a loveable loser while past winners of Flavor of Love Hoopz and Myamee took home the prize in season’s 1 and 2 respectfully.
This show had the loosest of cannons producing a treasure trove of mind-numbing idiocy and we wanted more. That formula however will turn out to be what eventually crumbled the Flav empire to the ground.
A Real Chance at Love 2008
What’s better than one person finding Love? How about brothers finding love. On a farm!
It is clear now that VH1 is running low on ideas, so they threw everything they had at this. It turns out that all they had was a couple of cowboy hats and hay stacks but the charisma of the Stallionaires carried them to the finish line. But we still got nicknames so that was cool. Since Real and Chance were a little hornier than their predecessors we got gems like Milf, Sexy Legs, Lusty, Risky, Rabbit and Meatball.
New York Goes to Hollywood 2008 – New York Goes to Work 2009
We all knew this was gonna happen. You can’t hold down greatness. Tiffany Pollard has the wings of an gad damn angel and you better believe she’s going to spread em. Following season 2 of I Love New York our heroine proclaimed that she didn’t need no man to run the world and sought out on her own to take over the world. Unfortunately New York goes to Hollywood and Work didn’t have the same feel as the dating shows. Maybe it was her caricature of a mother trying to shoehorn her way into the story or maybe it was the overly scripted “candid” moments. Something was missing and I think it was that there wasn’t 20 lunatics fresh out of the looney bin fighting for a sniff of her feet. These shows were at least consumable and sporatically entertaining and New York was able to ride off into the sunset with her head held high.
Running out of Flavor: Breaking the Camel’s Back
Frank the Entertainer In a Basement Affair 2010
How far is to far? A dating show that takes place in your mother’s basement? Yeah, that’s probably too far.
I mean there’s not really too much more that can be said about this. Frank and 15 women live with his parents for duration of the show. You have to give VH1 a bit of credit for creativity but this one didn’t stand a chance from the jump. Sadly, shortly after the the show aired Frank’s father passed away from pancreatic cancer. Frank and the winner of the show, Kerry Schwatz, broke up 3 days after the completion of filming.
A Real Chance at Love Season 2 2009 – Real & Chance Legend Hunters 2010
Real & Chance were fine. I’m not going to sit here and say that they didn’t deserve their shot to carry a show. It was clear we were scraping the bottom of the barrell during season 1 and the boys had enough personality say it wasn’t a failure. Did they deserve a season 2 and a spinoff? Probably not. In 2015, Real aka Ahmad Givens died after a 2 year battle with colon cancer.
I Love Money Season 4 2010
You might be asking why we are all of a sudden on season 4 of I Love Money when the last incarnation we discussed was Season 2. The answer my friends is the final nail in the Flavor Flav coaching tree coffin.
Season 3 of I Love Money wrapped shooting in August 2009 and the show was set to aire in January 2010. New comer to the show Ryan Jenkins became the eventual winner taking home a cash prize of $250k. On August 15, 2009 a body was found beaten and stuffed inside a suitcase inside a dumpster in San Diego but was not able to be identified. Later that day, Season 3 winner Ryan Jenkins called police to report his wife Jasmine Fiore missing. 3 days later, the body in San Diego was identified as Jasmine’s and Jenkins became the lead suspect in the investigation. Jenkins led police to believe he was in Utah after fleeing his home in Nevada. His car was found at the Washington/Canada border. On August 19 and arrest warrant was issued for Jenkins. On August 23 Jenkins body was found hanging inside of a motel in Hope, British Columbia, Canada of an apparent suicide.
Needless to say, VH1 mad the right call and never aired a moment of Season 3. What might not have been the best idea was deciding to move forward with Season 4 after everything that had transpired. After being postponed several times the season aired in September of 2010. The show just wasn’t fun anymore and any charm there ever was is gone. Although this was the last breath of Flav’s direct lineage, it was certainly not the lasting memory from a near decade of dominance.
Undisputed
Elephant in the room. Those last 3 got a little depressing. But what lasting empire doesn’t come with a bit of tragedy? It’s a part of the story and I for one will not be the one to disrespect the legacy by leaving something out. What we need to focus on here is that 17 years after bursting onto the VH1 screens, Flav’s impact is ever present to this day. It was a cultural moment that lasted for 8 years. Utter dominance. Creating stars and revolutionizing reality TV. I mean just this week VH1 brought back New York for a reunion special to remind us of how good we used to have it. A coaching tree unlike anything we’ve seen before or will ever see again. Undisputed. King. FLAVVVORRR FLLLAAAAAAVV!