Everyone has moments in childhood that they look back on as a time that shaped the person that they would eventually become. Pivotal moments that set you on a path that can be pinpointed as the most influential experiences of a lifetime. You remember exactly where you were, who you were with, the emotions you felt and how things will never be the same. For me, it was a series of events that happened from June-August when I was 12 years old, culminating the week I entered the 7th grade.
My father was always a bit of a hard ass. He used to travel a lot and was pretty secretive about his career but I knew he was in some form of law enforcement. He was a traditionalist who’s only wish was that me and my two younger brothers, Jeffrey and Michael, do our best in school and stay on the straight and narrow. We were normal kids who loved to ride our bikes, play Mario Bros on Nintendo and shoot hoops. My best friend was a girl next door named Emily. She was the level headed friend that I needed and would help me study at night through string and tin-can phone that extended from out of my bedroom window and into hers. My brothers used to tease me and say I was in love with her but it wasn’t like that.
My favorite part of every year was the annual trek that my brothers and I take to stay out our grandfather Mori’s cabin in the woods. Grandpa was Japanese and had studied the art of ninjutsu his entire life. Every morning he would wake us up at dawn to put us through a strict training regimen. Our favorite lesson was when Gramps busted out this weird ass dummy with a red-light bulb for eyes. He explained to us that if we ever felt overpowered in a fight there were very specific spots on the human body that would instantly incapacitate any attacker. If you hit the dummy in these spots the eyes would light up and buzzer would go off. We enjoyed it because it was a dummy that lit up when you kick it in the dick.
The training was hard work but it was worth it because by the end of the summer Grampa gave us all new ninja disguises and names based on our personalities. I was Rocky, because I was strong like stone. Jeffery was Colt because he was fast like a horse. Michael was Tum Tum because he was kinda fat and ate jellybeans all the time.
The day before we went home and had to start school seemed like a regular day until a strange limo pulled up to the cabin. Grampa seemed concerned and told us to stay inside. Before we knew what was happening Gramps was in a full-on battle with like 20 ninjas who were jumping out of trees and shit. We sprang into action and helped fend off the attackers because apparently our summers of training was much better than whatever these bad guy ninjas did to earn their black belts. When the fight was over a man with a spectacular ponytail approached our Grandfather and talked to him like they were friends. He even called him Mori. Was this just a test? It all seemed real? We had no idea what the hell was going on but something just didn’t seem right. Either way we went home that night and had the first day of school in the morning.
The next day was fuckin crazy. Me and my bros hit some sick bike jumps, we saw a car crash, Emily got her bike stolen and I dunked a basketball all before recess was over. Then when we got home, mom left to pick up dad and had some grouchy old ass lady babysit us. Mom was gone for maybe 5 minutes when the pizza guys smashed the babysitter in the face with a pizza and locked her in the closet. These kidnappers were dumb as hell though and we hung one of them from a bannister and gave the other two diarrhea. We thought we were finally safe and started to free the babysitter until this giant Oddjob looking dude that was built like a brick shithouse came through the front door and we weren’t able to escape. Next thing we knew we were on a cargo ship full of weapons and ninjas.
We were locked in cell on the ship when Colt tells us that he found a picture of Grampa Mori and the ponytail guy in dad’s office and we all began to realize that Gramps might not be the good guy. I had my doubts but it was up to us now to flee on our own. We proceeded to beat up like 50 grown men in ninja pajamas and were close to escaping when we ran into that OddJob motherfucker. We thought we had no chance to beat him but we remembered the Dummy with the light up eyes from Mori’s cabin and started pounding the big dude repeatedly in the balls. Victory was ours once again, or so we thought.
Next thing you know we are staring the knock off Jean Claude Van Dam in the face and he was for sure going to murder us. Out of nowhere Grampa Mori was there and told the ponytail let us go and fight him like a man. This was such a stupid idea because Mori is like a 75-year-old hunch back. To no one’s surprise, Gramps was getting the ever-living shit kicked out of him. JCVD was literally choking the old man to death while we cried and begged him to stop. In what must be the most embarrassing way for a bad guy to get thwarted, Mori took a handful of jellybeans that he was holding for Tum Tum’s fat ass and stuffed them into his attacker’s mouth. Homeboy instantly started to choke we could finally to go home after clearing Grampa’s name. In one last gasp of villainy the Jelly Belly grabs a machine gun and was about to mow us down when he gets fucking shot! By my Dad! And the whole FBI is there! Unfucking believable!
Man, what a time in my life. We had a ton of great times growing up but nothing would ever compare to my Summers with Mori.