Every person out there says their ranking is definitive. It’s the end all be all. Like, my opinion matters so much more than yours and that makes my list definitive. Hey Ding Dong…. That doesn’t make your list definitive. That makes your list a shitty opinion. You know what makes a list definitive? Literally being definitive. It is unequivocable. It is inarguable.
Even with this precursor, some of you out there are thinking “This ranking better be exactly what I’m thinking or we riot” and you can do that if you want but you would be proving yourself to be a big stupid idiot. This is the list. Period. End of sentence. So, with that said, may I now present to you:
A Definitive Ranking: Top 10 Numbers
1. I can already hear the chirps. We have horn-balls clamoring for 69. Pot smoker heads saying 420. Hey Cheech, put the doobie down just for a second and answer me this. What’s the first number? It’s 1.
2. If you think about One, what comes to mind as something that might follow it?
Moment in time? Sure that works.
Direction? Absolutely.
Tree Hill? Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest? Night in Bangkok?
All valid answers. Unless we are talking about the number 1. In that case the only answer is 2.
3. Calling out the haters. I challenge you to find a number that is more 3rd than 3. I’ll wait. Can’t do it? Well da-doy. That’s because 3 is the most 3rd-est number there is.
4. Do you think there is anyone reading this that still doesn’t get it and thinks it’s a joke. “This is a stupid bit, he’s just going in order.” This isn’t a fucking bit. I’ve never been more serious about anything in my life. Undisputed. #4 is 4.
5. For the next few I have enlisted the help of a few very close friends of mine. Hey Dave, definitively, where would you rank the number 5 on this list?
Are you sure?
OK it’s settled.
6. And Michael, what number should we rank 6th?
You got it.
7. Monica, what number should go next?
Done and Done.
8. Perfect. Flawless. Unblemished. Pure. Unparalleled. Masterful. I didn’t go to 5 years of college for nothing. This definitive ranking has the number 8 at #8.
9. Do you feel that? There is something in the air and you know you can be a part of something special. There’s a tickle in your ass and greatness is knocking at the door. Will you answer it? A lesser man might not be able to step up to the plate, but I sure as shit will not puke on my shoes. I am here to tell you that 9 is unquestionably the 9th number.
10.
The 10th number in the definitive number ranking is…
.
.
.
.
.
Did you ever doubt me for a second? I told you I would bring you the first ever, as advertised, definitive ranking and boy oh boy did I deliver in spades. All arguments are moot. No voice will be given to the trolls. You can now tuck your kids into bed tonight knowing that there are still men of integrity trying to make the world a better place for everyone in it. You’re Welcome.