The Saved by the Bell reboot finally launched a few weeks ago and I will be damned if I watch one minute. We’ve been burned before with reboots from our youth. Fuller House and Girl Meets World were a slap in the face to fans when writers took the path of least resistance in an attempt to re-capture the magic from a simpler time. Awwww, Topanga and Corey got married and had a kid. Awwwww, DJ’s husband is dead just like her mom. Yawn. We want to know what really would have happened to these characters. Like, what might happen to, I don’t know, say… Stephanie Tanner as the bleak reality of an unforgiving world crashes down on her? Call me a cynic but I don’t think that she would move into her childhood home and begin a whirlwind romance with her hated next door neighbor’s younger brother(who didn’t exist 20 years ago?). I think it is more likely her life might mirror the that of the actress portraying her, Jodie Sweetin. But I digress.
The point is that as fans mature, so should the characters in the shows. I will bet dollars to donuts that in the reboot Zack will be a powerful executive and married to Kelly, Jessie Spannow will be a lawyer or an activist and AC will own a gym. The most frustrating part is that the new show isn’t being made for us. It’s being made for our stupid kids. Listen, I am all for children’s programing being optimistic and sunshine and rainbows but you want to know who your 6- year- old doesn’t give a fuck about? Zack Morris. I don’t even care if you still cast Marc Paul Gosselaar or Tiffani Theissen, but that is not Kelly Kapowski.
That leads us to the question: What really happened to these characters after we left cushy halls of Bayside?
This might never be proven but I believe that over the last 26 years we have already been gifted with plausible continuations of the gang’s characters, portrayed by the original actors. This is the 10 most likely un-affiliated reboots of characters from Saved By the Bell.
Honorable Mention
Zack Morris – Happy Ending – Chase
If this wasn’t a 2-episode guest spot it would be #1. What is Zack Morris up to these days? Oh, dumped Kelly, moved to Chicago, lives in a loft with a hot tub and beds 10’s.
Jessie Spannow – Show Girls – Nomi Malone
Now can I see Jessie Spannow becoming a stripper? Sure, but not like this. Jessie would be a stripper because it would be empowering to her as a woman to use her body to trick sexist pigs out of their money. Maybe like a Hustlers situation. The timeline doesn’t really line up being only 2 years after graduation in ’93. I don’t think she would fall on hard times that quickly but maybe she was back on the Caffeine pills.
10. Zack Morris – NYPD Blue – Det. John Clark Jr.
You know that popular kid you went to high school with and lost touch with after graduation. Then 7 years later you run into an old friend at a bar and they tell you the popular kid became a cop? At first it seems really odd because he partied a lot and was kind of a dick. But then you remember that he partied and kind of was a dick so it actually totally makes sense. That could definitely be Zack Morris.
9. AC Slater – Holiday in Handcuffs – David Martin
(Featuring Clarissa Darling as Trudie Chandler)
This one makes the list because it’s a 2 for 1 crossover event. Trudie kidnaps David and makes him pretend to be her boyfriend for the holidays. Clarissa lived in her own world and was just crazy enough to think this might work. AC was always a sub to Jessie and would pretend to be scared in this situation when he is actually wildly turned on.
8. Kelly Kapowski- White Collar – Elizabeth Burke
This makes the list because it is how I hope Kelly Kapowski’s life would turn out. Kelly had the most going for her if the goal was to live a normal happy life. She is down to earth, smart and understanding but also never gave in to Zack’s shit. I’d like to believe that Kelly changed her name to Elizabeth Burke after entering witness protection to hide from Zack. She fell in love with her handler at the FBI and is living the life of her dreams.
7. Screech Powers – Celebrity Fit Club Men v. Women – Dustin Diamond
Indulge me for a moment. Screech, the stereo-typical nerd in high school/college is reaching peak awkwardness as the internet is transforming into the malicious hellscape that we know today. Naïve Screech always armed with the latest technology uploads an innocent video of him tinkering with his robot Kevin and he becomes one of the first internet sensations. He becomes internationally famous overnight as the man who invented a sex robot. Bitter after years of infamy, a bloated Screech joins the cast of D list celebrity weight loss show.
6. Stacy Carosi – King of Queens – Carrie Heffernan
Again, this is one that should be ranked higher but Stacy Carosi was only in 6 episodes. Stacy and Carrie are the same person. In fact, I am convinced that after a whirlwind summer romance at the Malibu Sands beach resort, heartbroken Stacy looking for a rebound, hooks up with Doug Heffernan on the flight home to New York and never looks back. Makes too much sense.
5. Zack Morris – Franklin & Bash – Peter Bash
Zach Morris, always seeking the approval of his jet setting father, becomes a lawyer in an attempt to make daddy proud. He is fired from his first job for sleeping with the bosses daughter(Malibu Sands anyone?). Forms a law firm with his best friend Jared Franklin. Only reason this is #5 is because the personality doesn’t completely match up. Bash(Morris) is the more mature of the two, constantly having to reel Franklin in. Otherwise flawless.
4. AC Slater – Pacific Blue – Bobby Cruz
Unlike how we were surprised Zack became a detective in NYPD Blue, everyone at Bayside just assumed that Slater would be going into the services or becoming a cop. The only surprise here is that he became a beach bike cop. But then again you can’t keep someone that pretty away from the ocean.
3. Lisa Turtle- How High – Lauren
Lisa Turtle could definitely end up in a scenario like this; Getting a doctorate from an Ivy League school and dating the most stuck up white dude on campus. After the whole “say nope to dope” debacle from senior year it’s entirely plausible that she went until the age of 25 being terrified of smoking marijuana cigarettes.
2. Kelly Kapowski – Beverly Hills 90210 – Valerie Malone
As much as I hope for the White Collar scenario, the 90210 situation is far more likely. After graduation Kelly stays local and decides to attend California University. She is out of the Bayside bubble and the crew from the Peach Pit have brought her down to their level. She becomes more manipulative and cunning and spends the next five years thriving on the high stakes drama that her life was lacking as a teenager. Valerie is the Kelly that Kelly always wanted to be.
1. Zack Morris – Dead Man on Campus – Cooper Fredrickson
Zack was an unapologetic slacker. He lived in a grey area morally and would work harder to find an easy way around doing work than the job would actually entail. So why would anything change when he went to college. He parties, slacks off and drags everyone down around him. When his father threatens to stop paying for school if he doesn’t get better grades does he change his troubling ways and start studying? HA! Of course not. He finds an obscure rule in the college handbook that says if your roommate dies you get straight A’s.
So for Zack’s Piece de Resistance he hatches a plan to determine which classmates were most likely to kill themselves and becomes their roommate. Instead of doing a few hours of work a night, he spends an immeasurable amount of time trying to get people to commit suicide for his benefit. And of course he fucking gets away with it. He’s Zack Fucking Morris.