If your family was anything like mine, Sesame Street was a staple in your household growing up. My brothers and I not only watched the new episode every week but owned every VHS, cassette tape, book, stuffed animal, board game, bed sheet and piece of clothing they produced. We had Sesame Street birthday parties, dressed up as the characters for Halloween and took weekend trips out to Langemore, PA to spend 2 days at the Sesame Place theme park.
Every so often my parents would say they had a surprise and then put on the PBS pledge-athon. Each time there would be a few characters from Sesame Street manning the phones and we would call to make a donation in hopes of getting to speak with Big Bird or Cookie Monster for a couple of minutes. We did this as a family for as long as I can remember even after we were passed the age of being interested in Sesame Street. My parents were always thoughtful and would tell the operator my name so when the care package from our PBS pledge came it would be addressed to me. I hadn’t thought about it forever until 5 years ago my mother told me she received a letter for me at my childhood home. Here is the letter:
At first, I thought I was getting my crank yanked so I reached out to the Sesame Workshop directly. It turns out that HBO was pushing to add more comedy specials to their schedule and planned to do a roast with celebrities from their current programming to cross promote Sesame Street as a premiere event. After realizing that the letter was for real, of course I was in. This was the opportunity of a lifetime.
After the roast was filmed several members of the cast (*cough*Elmo*cough*The Count*cough*) threatened to walk off Sesame Street if the footage ever came to light. HBO thought it was in the best interest of their new investment to shelve the footage. No one knows if the tapes were destroyed or lost but what I am about to share with you has never been seen or read by anyone before. This is the script I prepared for a night that I will never forget but also a night that “never happened”.
Good evening everybody. It’s surreal being up here tonight. No one knows who I am and that’s ok because I literally won a raffle to be here. Leave it to PBS to go with the cheapest possible option to fill out the stage while honoring the most prolific children’s program in the history of broadcast television. What was that conversation like? “I think that we might be able to get Barney if the price is right.” “Naw, fuck that. What about Ricki? He gave US $20 a few times in the 80s.”
I mean look at who I am up here with tonight? Kermit busted onto the scene in 1955. That’s 60 years ago! Absolute legend. Kermit, you’ve shared the stage with John Denver, Steve Martin, Elton John, James Bond, Luke Skywalker. And you still stay humble. If I were you, I would have kicked that bitch Miss Piggy to the curb the moment I hit it big. Boy, does she have you pussy whipped. I’m surprised she actually let you out of the house to be here tonight. We were talking backstage and the Frog was complaining that Piggy doesn’t respect him in the bedroom. Not to go into detail but let’s just say that Jim Henson’s arm isn’t the last thing that’s been up ol’ Kermie’s ass.
Kermit got his start in show biz 2 years before LeVar Burton was even born. Think about that for a minute. LeVar is a legend in his own right! He has 12 Emmys, a Grammy, 5 Image Awards, a Peabody and has a star on the Hollywood walk of fame. Reading Rainbow ran on PBS for 23 years encouraging generations of children to read. What you might not know about LeVar is that as a young adult he entered the seminary with the intentions of becoming a priest in the Catholic Church. Its true. My question is WHAT DID YOU SEE LeVAR? What did you see that you abandoned your faith and decided to dedicate your entire life to teaching children to read? After the rainbow ended you launched an app that became the #1 educational smart phone app in the world. Your whole life. Dedicated to helping kids. WHAT DID YOU SEE?!?!
LeVar, did you know Lena Dunham fingered her baby sister? And then wrote about it in a book for the world to consume? I know, I know, you were a kid, it was innocent but if I pick up a book and read about you finding pebbles inside of a baby’s bathing suit parts, you’re fucking dead to me. You sick fuck. When you walked into the green room before we got started, I thought “Oh Wow, TJ Miller shaved for the show”. I would equate your personality to the sound of a fork falling into the garbage disposal. I would rather live with the burden of whatever LeVar saw in the seminary than live in a world in which we have to acknowledge your existence.
Speaking of what Lena found inside her sister, The Rock is here. Dwayne, you’re perfect don’t ever change. I would however ask that you learn. Learn the word no. And not because you are taking on bad projects. Learn to say no because the amount of work you do makes me feel like the laziest piece of shit in the world. You make every day, hard-working, blue-blooded Americans feel worthless. It’s actually becoming a problem. “Realizing that you will never be Dwayne the Rock Johnson” was recently published in a top medical journal as the leading cause of suicide in young men. Your work ethic is literally killing people. Your work ethic makes me feel how TJ Miller almost certainly smells.
Before we go any further, I need to ask, you ok TJ? Your career is going great, you’re working almost as much as Dwayne and yet if I had to guess what you did for a living just by looking at you, I would probably guess Mayonnaise taste tester. You look like someone who would get in trouble for writing a book about fingering a sibling. You smell like the filling of a breakfast breakfast burrito that’s been left inside a car with the windows up on a 120-degree day. Poor Ryan over here is only 5 years old. He learned about death tonight just by looking at you. He now fully comprehends the fleeting paradox that is mortality after looking at how you’ve decided to disrespect humanity by allowing us to witness the treatment of your body. Poor poor Ryan.
Wait, what am I talking about? Ryan, you can go fuck yourself. This kid is in kindergarten and has made more money than I will make in my entire life. I guess I shouldn’t say fuck Ryan. You’re 5, you just open toys and make funny faces. You’re just being a kid and I envy that. Your parents though? I hope they choke on the caviar or foie gras or whatever lavish food they are eating because they’ve decided to pimp you out to youtube. Ryan do me a favor. Repeat after me. Emancipation. You got that? Remember that word for about 10 years from now. You’ll know what it means when its time.
It is now time to move on to our guests of honor. What can you say about the cast of Sesame Street that hasn’t already been stated? I know for me personally, you all have had a tremendous impact on my life. As children, I think we all identify with Elmo or Cookie or Grover. As we age everyone begins to shift to becoming more like Oscar. I think that is because Oscar is the most realistic character on the show. Oscar, you’re not the bad guy. I get it. If I was a monster living on Sesame Street I certainly wouldn’t want to deal with the daily rush of unsupervised 6-year-olds that are inexplicably wandering around your neighborhood. Good for you, hide in a trash can. That is a responsibility I’m simply not qualified to take on. And kids are fucking annoying, you should be grouchy. I’m proud of you Oscar. You are living your truth. And that’s more than we can say about the Count.
Let me ask you all a question. What’s the highest you’ve ever heard the Count count? 10? Yes. 20? Sure. 21? Don’t think so. Listen, I don’t claim to have seen all 4,000+ episodes of Sesame but I’ve seen enough and I cannot recall a single time you’ve counted higher than 20. That’s fuckin bullshit. If you are going to call yourself the Count you better be on record of getting to at least 6 digits. You calling yourself the count is like a calling a premature ejaculator the king of banging. You fake ass vampire. Suck blood for me one time or at least show me that you know what comes after 27.
Grover, Grover, Grover you silly insignificant afterthought. Grover is portrayed by Frank Oz who is maybe the most decorated voice actor in the world. A visionary, who helped create you and so many of your costars. And then in 1980 he just gives your voice to Yoda. OOOF. What does that feel like? Now any time you speak all anyone can think of is that old, wrinkly ass, green Jedi master talking all weird and backwards. Cookie, do you want to tell Grover what else C is for? Cuck. C is for Cuck Grover.
Cookie Monster Man I’m worried about you. I totally understand the cookies. Delicious. Especially those chocolate chip hunnies you’re always knocking back. But then I’ll see you take a bite out of a plate, or a table. Next thing we know you’re eating the goddamn furniture and we’re looking at thousands of dollars of damage. What is that shit? Cookies, yes om-nom-nom-nom. TV, no chance you fucking lunatic. So either you’re a complete asshole or you have a terrible thyroid issue and I don’t want to live in a world where you’re an asshole.
OK, we’ve come this far but I think its time to address the elephant in the room. No not you Snuffleupagus you hairy imaginary pile of Rohypnol. God you’re terrible. Sit your gigantic ass down. You make almost as many people want to kill themselves as the Rock. You make Eeyore look like Ned Flanders.
The elephant in the room that I’m talking about is obviously Bert and Ernie. You guys are fuckin, right?
You have to be. It’s the only thing that would make your situation normal. Or you’re at least jerking each other off or something. I really hope you are. Guys, it’s 2015. We’re cool with it. So you like to go down on each other and then sleep in different beds? Big fuckin deal. You’re two adults that have been living happily together in a studio apartment in the East Village for almost 50 years. We’ve overshot convenience by about 40 years fellas. Just admit that you’re in love, like to sit on each other’s faces and curl up to watch an all-day SVU marathon. Who knows? Maybe you’re just best friends. That’s fine too. Unorthodox, but fine and we love you.
What I do not love is that Gordon and Maria just standing idly by for years, and allowing Elmo, who essentially has the mind of a toddler, hang out without supervision with a mime that refers to himself as Mr. Noodle. What are we thinking?!? This is a 55-year-old man in oversized clown clothes that doesn’t speak and your first inclination is “Let’s let him babysit for the most vulnerable and easily manipulated member of our monster family”. His name is MR. NOODLE and he voluntarily hangs out with toddlers. Even the Count can do this math. Jesus Christ! And don’t get me started on tickle-me Elmo. Who greenlit this instrument of pedophilia? Yes, it was the biggest toy of the decade but Tickle-me Elmo also gave every weird uncle in the late 90’s the courage to finally give into his desires and start randomly tickling their 7-year-old nieces. I kid, I kid. Research showed that the 7-year-old nephews got it much worse.
What a night, what a night. But of course, we almost certainly wouldn’t be here tonight if it wasn’t for the 8-foot-tall yellow mutant sitting up here. Did you know Big Bird is a canary? What in the Wayne Szalinski happened to you, man? In a world where everything is proportioned realistically, Big Bird is just walking around 500x bigger than every other member of his species and everyone is just cool with it. This is the same city where Splinter and the Ninja Turtles had to live in sewers fearing for their lives because they were different and Big Bird over here is just roller skating around Manhattan like its fucking Xanadu. A couple years ago Big Bird came out as transgendered which is awesome and you are a role model for struggling youths across the world. I’m very proud him for sharing his story because it must have been a hard decision. I am however, concerned that you have been taking way WAY WAAAYYYY too much testosterone to grow to the size you are, you enormous adolescent abomination.
You guys have all been great tonight and it’s been a dream come true to share the dais with you. I want to thank you for the years and years of entertainment and education you have provided. You truly have made the world a better, safer and happier place to live in. Except for you Lena. You can fuck off forever. Thank you!