I just became a father for the second time and boy oh boy am I nervous. Not because I’m worried about being a dad or my life changing or being exhausted, but because I just don’t want my kids to be losers. Why you ask? Because I was cool as shit. So cool in fact that I would wager that I was cooler than anyone blessed enough to read this piece.
But how could we measure how cool we were? Easy dum-dum. I’ve created a questionnaire to definitely determine if you were cooler than me. Answer the below questions and if you answer Yes to all 10 you might be in my league. When you ultimately don’t answer yes to all 10, don’t worry. I have included a cool scale for you accurately pinpoint your personal level of cool. Good luck!
- Did you spend hours on end trying to teach yourself to crip walk by watching Xzibit music videos?
- Did an older cousin tell you that there were boobs in Weird Science? Then, not realizing he was talking about the 1985 John Hughes movie, you watched every episode of the USA Network sitcom Weird Science for 2 years hoping to catch glance at a nipple?
- Did you help form not one but two fake mafias in middle school where you were paid $.50 to slap anyone in the school?
- Did you get your ass kicked for slapping people in middle school?
- Did you zone out in health class, not retain any information and then uncomfortably pretend to laugh anytime your friends made a sex joke for much longer than you would like to admit?
- Did you meticulously memorize every word to Back Dat Azz Up so you could impress all of your friends when the song came on at the parties after high school football games?
- Did you watch the movie Grease with your cousins every day for an entire summer so that on the last day of family vacation you could put on a groundbreaking production of the show for your parents?
- Were you so good at acting that after watching Grease every day for an entire summer you were cast as T-bird #2 instead of Danny Zuko or Kenickie because your oldest cousin didn’t want you to outshine your younger brothers?
- Did you have 4 simultaneous internet girlfriends that you met in AOL chat rooms that definitely weren’t 40-year-old men?
- Did you replace the word “cool” in your vernacular with the word “boner” so that when something cool would happen you would nonchalantly say “boner”?
How cool are you?
